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hylierandom's Blog


My sexless marriage

My Soon To Be Ex is an asexual, in denial...and she does not understand why I am ending it. It's because it was guaranteed unhappiness.

Now, the emotional abuse *might* have been fixable.She might have, with a lot of work, learned to stop treating me like I was a moron. But she hated having sex. She HATED it. I think she'd hate it with anyone, although she blamed me for not doing it correctly. Maybe I wasn't very good, but to leave me in agony? was that okay?

If my STBX had allowed me sex outside of the marriage, then her being asexual would not have been a dealbreaker for me. But I could not be sexual with her without making her angry and myself depressed. I could not be sexual with anyone else and remained married to her.

I asked for an open marriage, since sex disgusted her, and she refused, so we struggled on, and both of us were dreading "sex night."

Then I realized she was asexual. I asked her if she'd ever lusted after someone's body, desired to be physically sexual, at any time in her life, and she said no.

I had already determined I could not be happy living a celibate life, and it wasn't what I had signed up for, either. I was doing the two of us no favors. Staying with her meant I had to commit myself to a life of guaranteed unhappiness. That's what she was asking me to do. That's neither a sane nor caring thing to ask another person to do for you.

I ended it. She's angry. I just see how I believed her lies and words over her actions all these years because I LOVED her.

And I don't ever want to love like that again.

My sexless marriage

My Soon To Be Ex is an asexual, in denial...and she does not understand why I am ending it. It's because it was guaranteed unhappiness.

Now, the emotional abuse *might* have been fixable.She might have, with a lot of work, learned to stop treating me like I was a moron. But she hated having sex. She HATED it. I think she'd hate it with anyone, although she blamed me for not doing it correctly. Maybe I wasn't very good, but to leave me in agony? was that okay?

If my STBX had allowed me sex outside of the marriage, then her being asexual would not have been a dealbreaker for me. But I could not be sexual with her without making her angry and myself depressed. I could not be sexual with anyone else and remained married to her.

I asked for an open marriage, since sex disgusted her, and she refused, so we struggled on, and both of us were dreading "sex night."

Then I realized she was asexual. I asked her if she'd ever lusted after someone's body, desired to be physically sexual, at any time in her life, and she said no.

I had already determined I could not be happy living a celibate life, and it wasn't what I had signed up for, either. I was doing the two of us no favors. Staying with her meant I had to commit myself to a life of guaranteed unhappiness. That's what she was asking me to do. That's neither a sane nor caring thing to ask another person to do for you.

I ended it. She's angry. I just see how I believed her lies and words over her actions all these years because I LOVED her.

And I don't ever want to love like that again.

Charlie

Charlie was a friend of my brother's.  He was in and out of our house a lot at one point.

He was 14, with a big brain and a big mouth...and parents who doubtlessly beat him up...I think his mom may have brought boyfriends around who abused him sexually.

 I once told him that if he never needed to talk about anything, I'd listen...I wanted to "adopt" him in an emotional sense.  He really didn't seem to have anybody, and I knew he was living in chaos.

I kept hearing about how he was getting wilder and wilder...getting into harder drugs.

Then I heard he'd been present at a murder, that this had somehow earned him a trip to prison.

I found out today that he'd hung himself. Just released from prison, 19, killed himself.

So random...

Some of us make it out alive and able to heal.  Some of us don't make it out of our soul-destroying families...

I'm just so very sad for that young man... I wish there was something I could have done to stop this.

Narrative


 

Yesterday I said to someone, who was failing to get my point online, and acting douchy...I said our selves are a construct. A narrative we tell ourselves. 

 

You see...

On LSD over 10 years ago.. I saw myself as a blue sphere trapped in a hard matrix. Just a blue orb. That's it.

 

A narrative we tell ourselves.

It's not what we are.

 

And then I said to myself...”Holy shit.”

 

 

I watched this talk Thandie Newton gave, someone linked it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzKBGtf0i0M
 

And I guess those two pieces were in my mind.  But wanting to get this guy to realize what I was saying was going over his head...I made a connection.

 

Everything is a story I tell myself?

That sounds...right, but...really???

 

So, since I've been...obsessively trying to get over my crap childhood...I thought...What import is the abuse? 

 

Well...it's a part of the narrative that is hidden. 

 

I respond to that interior programming unconsciously, because it's unconscious.  It means I'm not in control of the narrative. Instead of me being in charge of that narrative, I allow my angry, abusive parents of 30 years ago to steer.

What I've been trying to do is take over my own narrative. 

 

Create a self that is free

 

And what import are my alters? the parts of me that were spalled under stress? 

The kids all have their OWN narrative about how the world works, and who they are.

 

It's my job as host to put their narratives in a broader perspective for them...I get them to rewrite their own narratives

........

 

Easier said than done, no?

Insight, what a trip it is.

God

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Asperger's vs PTSD episode 1: porch light


 
(a crosspost)

In the beginning...there was light. And it was on.
And it was on the porch.  At night.
It kept me from injuring myself in the dark when I walked up to the front door.
I saw that this was good.

Then my Aspie wife came along, and turned the d*mn thing out. 

I kvetched mightily.
"There is clutter, wear, tear and much weariness of wood on the way to the front door," I proclaimed.
"Let the light be as a beacon to keep me from falling on my a$$ or stepping in the filth of many dogs who poop mightily all over the place."
And the woman was wroth, and she did spake" It's just annoying to leave a light on."
And I said "Nay, there must be a porch light. It is a safety issue."
And so there was much kvetching from the wife, who liked the dark just fine thank you very much.
And though she reluctantly agreed that the light must be left on...
There was much absentmindedness upon the person of the wife, such that she would turn the light off out of habit.

Many times did the turds cling to my shoes, and many times did I trip over things left randomly in the clutter-laden dark.
I complained, but she hardened her head and kept forgetting.
And I too hardened my head at her forgetting, for it made me most wroth.

Lo, I have removed the strike plate from over where the switches were, and have indeed concealed the switch from the eyes of men, beasts, and the aspie wife.
The switch is now in the on position and tucked carefully into the wall, with the strike plate screwed into place.

Let there be light.

emotional climate aug 31

lonely, angry at self, hating self.

1-6 of 6 Blogs   

Previous Posts
My sexless marriage, posted January 8th, 2013, 1 comment
My sexless marriage, posted January 8th, 2013
Charlie, posted October 25th, 2012, 1 comment
Narrative, posted July 25th, 2012, 1 comment
God, posted March 17th, 2012, 4 comments
Asperger's vs PTSD episode 1: porch light, posted March 7th, 2012, 8 comments
emotional climate aug 31, posted August 31st, 2011, 1 comment

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